Mother's Day

One of the things I dread the occurrence of happens this year: my birthday is the same day as Mother's Day. Don't get me wrong: my mother makes every day unpleasant, but I always hate it slightly more when "my" day is also "her" day. I feel forced to have a togetherness moment. She won't buy my theory that we're from before bonding and quality time. Interestingly enough, my father has the same theory. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I'm going to give the old bat. I went through several ideas before it finally dawned on me. A year or so ago, I purchased a large amount of blank cards and thank you cards, knowing that they would last me for several years. I'll grab one of the blank cards and write a short message this shall be her present. For entertainment purposes, I'll go through the various ideas I had and why they were dismissed. Of course, it goes without saying that she will not use or appreciate anything I give, and will have a tantrum if I give nothing. With this in mind, I decided to keep it basic. I thought that I'd give her a scented candle, but then I realized she'll dislike my chosen fragrance. Then I asked her whether she'd like me to do a painting for her, which she refused, sounding quite annoyed as usual. Then I thought I'd give her $20 in change, because she likes collecting change. I decided against this one for a very simple reason. Spend actual money? I don't even like the ogre. Then I stumbled upon the card idea. That way, I actually did "something" without putting myself out. Besides, the hell hound will like this gift as much as any other. As for myself, I'm having a party of one. I feel that sharing my special day with others will give them the chance to make it cloudy, whereas I can do whatever I want by myself without being unnecessarily tied down.

Significant update

It's been so long since I've posted that there is much to tell. First, let me get to the most recent holiday season. The parents were against my ideas of having a pink tree and tofu turkey. I think that there are two reasons for that. a) It wasn't my mother's idea, so it doesn't count. b) It was my idea, so it must be vigorously attacked. In re-reading what I wrote about the 2006 holiday season, I realized that I was a bit off in my perceptions. My mother's side of the family came out looking badly, and my father's side not so much. The 2007 holiday season has firmly changed that. I want to ensure that the paternal side of my extended family is captured in all of their glory. Let's start at the beginning. I gave them gifts. Okay, most of it was old stuff that I was getting rid of, but as far as they knew, I picked out and purchased a lot of new merchandise. This makes their reactions especially egregious. My aunt Judy was not there, so we'll assume that she was pleased. My aunt Kay and her daughter Nadia were so bratty and snobbish that it would seem a comedy sketch. I gave Kay a blouse. She made a big production and clownish face to the growing laughter of the rest of the family. Nadia corrected her "you're holding it upside down," to which Kay responded "oh, I don't think it matters." No, it wasn't gold and sequined. It was black with a pink floral print. Nadia, I gave some used CDs to. Her reaction: "I don't want this! I'm not listening to this!" They then started assigning percentages about how well I'd selected gifts. "You got mine 30% right," "I'd say you got hers about 50% right." My aunt Sandy and uncle Paul decided to wait until later to open their gifts. We soon found out why. My father and I chose a little urban clothing and I included some books about Wicca and Buddhism. A week or so afterward, Sandy let us know that we should not purchase any gifts for her or her family in the future, and she would do the same. My father's reaction: "you mean that's all we had to think of to cut ties?" It was one of those rare occasions when we're on the same page. My mother's side of the family, ironically, were quite appreciative. I say "ironically" because of how my mother turned out. This reminds me that I now know how to say "skank" en Espanol, thanks to a bilingual hairdresser who helps me to perfect my Spanish insults, but I digress. Everyone was very gracious and accepting of my gifts there, so I was happy. My mother did lean in to me at one point when she wouldn't be noticed and say about my cousin's boyfriend "I heard him say 'I don't want this.'" One more significant update was that my maternal grandmother said yet again that she expected this holiday season to be her last. My father and I figured this for an annual routine. In February, though, it came to pass. Last minute, my mother decided that my role in the funeral would be to stay at home and take care of the dogs. I wasn't terribly upset because I hardly knew my maternal grandmother. I was glad that for the holiday season, I didn't choose to spend actual money on her, as that would have seemed a waste as it turned out. I did give her some of my old political science books. This probably fell on deaf ears, as she always said that the Republicans were "the party of the people." That, and it's "tragic" that people say "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas." What more could be expected though, considering that her main television viewing pleasures were Fox News and Hallmark Movie Channel? As far as gifts, my parents did their usual routine. They accepted my gifts and then put them away to collect dust and never be used. I could give the parents nothing, but they'd have tantrums, so I have come up with a better solution for any holidays or birthdays: pencils and pens forever! For my father's side of the family, I have a different solution: I found an urban wear store that sells bandannas for $1 each, and everyone will get one, along with the political and animal rights literature and New Kids on the Block buttons that I'm still trying to get rid of. That wasn't my first idea, but rather the third. I was unable to find maple syrup spigots online, and Mary Schneider CDs (she yodels over classical pieces) would have proven expensive to purchase for everyone. In happy news, I am moving into an apartment in a couple of weeks. This means that I'll be escaping these people. I'll miss the dogs, and that's about all I can say.

Reinforced Stigma

I wrote this a while back, and have been somewhat reticent about posting it, as I have received mixed reviews from those I associate with. However, as much as I may have love for my homeboys, my first devotion shalt be to myself, and then the dogs. After all, I am the tigress, and they are my cubs. I hope everyone will be very interested in what I have to say.

I have been debating for a while now how much I should actively support the GLBT community, and I have reached a decision: limitedly. The main reason for this is because I don't believe in supporting something that doesn't support me. I very strongly believe in same-sex marriage, divorce, adoption, health care and insurance benefits, and all other manners of equality in civil and human rights. I felt this way from a very young age (much to the chagrin of my largely conservative family), long before I had the slightest inkling of same-sex attraction. Consequently, I wholeheartedly support the idea of being involved in organizations that provide emotional and sociopolitical support to people living alternative lifestyles. This, however, shall be the extent of my involvement, due to reasoning which I have detailed below.

As I'm sure anyone who has ever visited any number of gay chat rooms can attest, there is a certain modus operandi that occurs. Most of the people who are not just in the room, but actively chatting, know each other at least tenuously. What they do is to then pick a person who is a "stranger" to the circle, and start mercilessly attacking them. It will start will one person making a couple of snide, sarcastic, or embarrassing comments, and then one by one, others will pile on. Whether they successfully bait this person or not, they continue to bully them for sport. I have been on the receiving end quite a few times. It's always the usual comments about how someone is "nasty" in some way (often involving lies such as being primiscuous and having some sort of disease), negative comments about their appearance, their personal lives, etc.
Today, I was victimized for the last time. I briefly tolerated the comments about how I should avoid humans and try to have sex with animals, should they be willing to accept me, and how my parents' mistakes were ever conceiving me and not somehow killing me shortly after birth. Today, I did something I probably shouldn't have: I lied by responding that my parents were dead. I was asked why I wasn't. I pretended to answer seriously by saying because I wasn't in the car with them, and said that it was last month. Too far I know, obviously because I got a sarcastic response immediately. I bluffed and offered to send a link to the obituary. No response, and they moved on, without a word, to talking about a new computer program.

This is not to say that all of the men in the chat rooms are like this. Some choose not to participate because they are simply indifferent to the whole thing. There are other "nice" men, most of whom are playas and/or rapists. I have come to the decision that I do not want the fact that I prefer to look at men to automatically attach me to psychopaths and bitchy queens, most of whom glorify hypersexuality and public intoxication. I actually consider myself asexual, because I have no real interest in sex. I understand different types of sexual activity and see the attraction behind them in a psychoanalytical and sociological way, but am not a person with actual interest of my own. Asexuals are the real victims in the scheme. Not fitting in with the dominant culture, and being the exact opposite of most of the subculture, asexuality is the area that I am choosing to support because I feel it is where it would be the most needed.

As a final note, it is my opinion that the behavior detailed above has a lasting impression on everybody, whether they view it directly or not. I feel that one cannot complain about stigma when they obviously go out of their way to exaggerate negative stereotypes concerning their own community.

Idiocratic Life

Well, it has been a while since I've discussed idiocy within the service profession. This isn't worthy of a "Sociopaths in Business" post, as psychopathy isn't involved, only incompetence. What happened to me the other day, I felt, warranted mentioning. I'm certain that anyone who has read this blog knows how I feel about idiocy and incompetence. It started when I stopped to purchase fuel. I stopped at the "full service" pump. After a couple of minutes (literally), this old guy came out, and asked, "could I help you?" (Um...) I handed him two $20 bills, and asked him to fill it up. He gave me a puzzled look, and asked, sounding somewhat concerned, "don't you want to pump it yourself?" I politely pointed out my location. Looking at me even more strangely, he said, "Well, you can pump it yourself right up there [at the "self-service" pump], it's cheaper." Uh... okay. I resisted the urge to engage in vandalism. After I bought the gas, I went to a doctor's office to get permission to refill three prescriptions. The woman behind the counter looked at me suspiciously, and even after digging out my file, said I should have my pharmacy call in. I suppose a lot of people traffic in asthma and allergy medications these days. I went home to call in my prescription refills. I take six medications, including the psychiatric and the three which needed doctor's permission to refill. For a half-hour, I could not get through on the telephone. Becoming quite annoyed, as it is normally not busy for more than a couple of minutes, and thinking it was off the hook, I decided to go in person to do this. I soon realized the reason for the elongated busy signal. The woman behind the counter was using the line for a personal phone call. I could not call in my prescriptions because she was talking about something being pink and green. Holding my temper as she did not take the phone away from her ear to wait on me, I said I needed the six prescriptions refilled and explained that they needed to call the doctor's office about three of them. She said "okay" and quickly took my information. I went back an hour later (she had left by this time), and found that the three psychiatric medications were waiting for me, but was told that there was one other medication that they would have to get the doctor's permission for. I said that there should be three medications. The person waiting on me said, "there are three medications, but there was one we couldn't fill because we didn't have permission." Even mostly managing to hold my dramatically increasing anger in at this point, I clarified that there should be three medications they needed permission for, and they should call the doctor's office to do so. They looked in the computer, and realizing I was correct, called the doctor's office, getting the same receptionist I had earlier in the day. She told them to fax over their prescription information for me, and they obilged. I then waited for the next two hours. Every 20 or 30 minutes, this teenager-looking dude in the back would peer over the counter and say, almost pronouncing my name correctly, "We haven't forgotten about you; they haven't called back yet." This actually slightly unnerved me, as I watched them ignore the telephone several times. Finally, ten minutes before closing, they got a fax from the doctor, telling them that she was giving me two refills on said medications.

This all raises a few questions for me:
Should a service station have a "full-service" pump if they discourage its usage?
Should a person who has an obsession with power work as a receptionist in the medical profession?
Should a pharmacy have a telephone if they misuse it?

Extensive Survey

What time did you get up this morning?
Last night.

Diamonds or pearls?
If Emmylou can do a spoken word rendition of "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," I have to back her up.

What was the last film you saw?
The New Guy.

What is your favorite TV show?
Either Forensic Files, Countdown with Keith Olbermannn, or Democracy Now!

What did you have for breakfast?
I am unable to recall.

What is your middle name?
Edward.

What foods do you dislike?
Bananas, spinach.

What is your favorite chip?
If I had to pick, either baked potato chips or soy crisps.

What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Too many to choose. As a rule, anything by the members of The Trio (Linda, Emmylou, Dolly).

What kind of car do you drive?
1998 Mercury Sable.

What is your favorite sandwich?
I hate sandwiches.

What characteristics do you despise?
Phoniness, hypocrisy, close-mindedness, conservatism. That reminds me, I got a letter a while back from Shelley Moore Capito.

Favorite item of clothing?
Accessories.

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?
Canada, my future home.

What color is your bathroom?
White (so ugly). It should be black.

Favorite brand of clothing?
Anything hip-hop.

Where would you want to retire to?
If I ever reach a point in life where I feel I am to retire, Germany, Netherlands, or South Africa.

Favorite time of day?
Evening. Classes are over, the mother is gone, the club is open and slowly building, and it's still early.

Where were you born?
Clarksburg, WV. I better be listed on the "Welcome to Clarksburg" sign someday.

Who do you least expect to send this back?
Anyone.

Person you expect to send it back first?
Probably nobody.

What type of detergent do you use?
Ecover and Seventh Generation.

Coke or Pepsi?
Neither.

Are you a morning person or night owl?
Night owl.

What size shoe do you wear?
10.

Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone?
I am too smart to self-incriminate.

What did you want to be when you were little?
Dolly Parton and Johnny Cash. Occasionally, Batman.

Favorite Candy Bar?
Carob Bar.

What is your best childhood memory?
Lots of things involving my late paternal grandmother.

What different jobs have you had in your life?
The type that didn't last long.

What color underwear are you wearing?
You have to work to be privy to that information.

Nickname?
!ce.

Ever been to Africa?
In the future, I would like to.

Ever been toilet papered?
No.

Croutons or bacon bits?
Croutons, if they're vegan.

Favorite day of the week?
I like Tuesdays because they are the most regimented, and I like Thursdays-Saturdays because the clubs are bangin'.

Favorite restaurant?
Any good Chinese restaurant. If they have some tofu (bean curd) dishes, so much the better.

Favorite flower?
I like carnations and hyacinths.

Favorite ice cream?
I don't consume dairy, but if you get some soy, def the chocolate or carob.

Disney or Warner Brothers?
Neither. Court TV, MSNBC, A&E, different History and Discovery channels, Free Speech TV, and Link TV.

Favorite fast food restaurant?
None.

What color is your bedroom carpet?
Blue. It should be black.

How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Written, once. Driving, zilch.

Which store would you choose to Max out your Credit card?
I have owed Target mad money. Never again.

What do you do most often when you are bored?
Sing, go to the club, watch television.

Whose responses to this questionnaire are you most curious about?
The public's.

Last person you went to dinner with?
It's been so long, I can't remember.

Ford or Chevy?
I would support whomever is building hybrid and/or diesel vehicles.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
From an evolutionary perspective, probably the chicken.

The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Someone I don't hate.

When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Usually.

In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Depends on the setting and my mood. I'm very analytical and inquisitive.

Do you take compliments well?
Not really, but I become quite gangsta when dissed.

Are you an active person?
Politically, sure.

If abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
My initial instinct is no, but I've always been able to salvage something out of whatever situation I've found myself in.

Do you like to ride horses?
No, but I admire their grace and their oxymoronic strength and fragility.

Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
No, but it's probably for the best.

What's a bad habit you have?
Spending and a weakness for a couple of foods. I am hesitant to say that I lack self-control, as I look at the world around me.

Are you judgmental?
Yes, I make Jane Fonda look unopinionated.

Could you date someone with different religious beliefs?
Sure, and I wouldn't even tease them like I do meat eaters.

Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
One doesn't end well, and the other never happens.

Use three words to describe yourself?
Passionate, outspoken, liberal.

Are you tired?
Sometimes more than others.

Do you consider yourself mature or immature?
Depends on the situation. It's like self-control. I won't call myself immature compared to a lot of what I have seen.

Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Yes. My homeboys have been afraid to teach me, but I managed to learn a while back.

If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you put in your pocket?
Car keys for escape.

How often do you read books?
Not as often as I should, but I do read more often than some people. I usually go with particular themes.

Do you think more about the past, present or future?
About the same for all of the above.

What is your favorite children's book?
A Pig Tale.

Left of you right now?
Fireplace.

Do any of your top friends have a crush on you?
Doubtful.

Where is your ideal house located?
Toronto.

What are you wearing?
No comment.

Last person you've talked to?
Dogs.

Ever taken pics in a photo booth?
No.

When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Never.

What are your keys on your key chain for?
Car, van, house, mailbox.

Where was the furthest place you traveled?
Montreal.

Where is your current pain at?
Nonexistent.

Do you like mustard?:
No.

Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep.

Do you look like your mom or dad?
Father, but there's always surgery.

How long does it take you in the shower?
About 20-30 minutes.

Can you do splits?
No.

What movie do you want to see right now?
Maybe Catch and Release, but not likely to do so.

Do you put lotion on your dog or cat?
No, but I do play music for them. We recently heard Dolly.

What did you do for New Year's?
Nothing but stay home and avoid the drunks on what I consider a non-occasion, which I prefer.

Do you think The Grudge was scary?
Not familiar.

What was the cause of your last accident?
The last one I reported or the last one period?

Do you own a camera phone?
No.

What are you drinking?
Spearmint tea.

Was your mom a cheerleader?
No, she just acts like one sometimes.

Do any of your top friends have a fat head?
I don't think in those terms.

Who did you vote for on American Idol?
I do not partake in the wasteland that is popular American culture.

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Differs.

What do you buy at the movies?
Tickets.

Do you hate someone right now?
Of course, but I have plans.

Do you wear your seatbelt?
Yes.

What do you wear to sleep?
Whatever I wore that day. If I do change, sweats and a tee shirt or my robe.

How many meals do you eat a day?
I don't eat meals. I eat little things here and there or one large meal.

Is your tongue pierced?
No, I've heard how much it burns to drink orange juice after, so I've avoided.

Do you always read MySpace bulletins?
If I care.

Do you like funny or serious people better?
Depends whether or not I find them annoying.

Did you eat a cookie today?
Actually, several that I bought in support of inner-city youth basketball.

Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I don't know enough, so I usually stick to English.

Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
I buy music from online stores, independent stores, and bands.

Do you hate chocolate?
I like chocolate that is vegan. I prefer carob when available.

What do you and your parents fight about the most?
Everything, but it's okay because I don't respect their opinions.

Are you a gullible person?
Yes, sometimes, but not nearly like I used to be. Anymore, I have become quite cynical, jaded, and fatalistic, which I like about myself.

Single or Taken:
Have yet to decide.

Sex:
Male.

Birthday:
May 11.

Sign:
Taurus.

Sibling(s):
None.

Hair color:
Sandy blonde.

Eye color:
Dark blue.

Shoe size:
10.

Height:
5'8".

Who is your best friend(s)?
Dogs.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
It changes so much.

Did you send this to your crush?
I don't really allow myself to have those anymore.

Where is your favorite place to shop?
Tie between hip-hop clothing stores and health food stores.

Any tattoos and piercings?
Not yet, but maybe soon.

Do you do drugs?
No, but I don't care.

What kind of shampoo do you use?
Something not tested on animals.

What are you most scared of?
Prosecution.

What car do you wish to have?
Something eco-friendly that has no leather or suede inside.

Who is the last person that called you?
I don't remember.

Where do you want to get married?
I don't.

If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?
Certain aspects of my appearance.

What was your first car?
1993 Ford Escort.

Do you like filling these out?
Yes.

Gold or silver?
Doesn't matter.

Comments?
I feel prettier than the easter bunny.

What are you listening to right now?
A CD of glass music co-produced by Linda Ronstadt.

Last thing you said?
Nice puppy.

What is sitting next to you right now?
Puppies.

Last thing you ate?
Potatoes, green beans, and corn.

Whom do you admire?
Liberal artists, politicians, and investigative journalists.

What makes you happy?
Unbreakable inner peace.

How many buddies on your list?
11 on Facebook, 43 on Myspace.

What do you like to do?
Sing. If I am the only customer at the Waffle House, I like to sing a mix of standards and lullabies.

What did you do yesterday?
Skipping the X-rated portions, called a couple of homeboys, and went cruising on the west side.

Do you wear contacts or glasses?
Glasses.

Do you like yourself?
Certainly more than I like a lot of other people.

Do you get along with your family?
The dogs.

Career?
Musician.

Got any awards?
No.

Your good luck charm?
None.

Best song you've ever heard?
"Long, Long Time," Linda Ronstadt.

Stupidest thing you've ever done:
Trusted men.

What's your bedroom like? Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Ugly and white, as I cannot get permission to paint it black, which would go with my animal print and camofluage bedding. No, I do not.

Most prized possession?
Music.

Vegetarian?
Yes.

Good driver?
No comment.

Good at sports?
God, no.

Good actor?
Yes, despite not being a psychopath like men.

Good storyteller?
Sometimes.

Favorites:
Color:
Tie between black and blaze orange.

Number:
0.

Food:
Vegan Chinese.

Boys name:
No preference.

Girls name:
Ditto.

Subjects in school:
Social sciences.

Animals:
Dogs, cats, rabbits, dolphins, tigers.

Celebrity:
Dennis Kucinich or Linda Ronstadt.

Sport:
Martial arts or aqua aerobics.

Vegetable:
Since I'm not sure whether green beans are considered a protein, I'll say peas. Both are great with a couple teaspoons of flaxseed oil.

Fast food place:
None.

Place to visit:
Canada.

Month:
May.

Night or day:
Day for driving, night for songwriting.

Sun or rain:
Sun for being outside, but rain otherwise, especially for songwriting.

Scary or happy movies:
Happy, but I like documentaries or movies with a message more.

Have you ever:
Given anyone a bath?
No comment.

Smoked?
No.

Bungee jumped?
No, but maybe someday if I ever trust anyone to not cut my cords.

Broken the law?
No felonies, and never been prosecuted.

Made yourself throw up?
Had food poisoning once.

Gone skinny-dipping?
No.

Been in the opposite sex's washroom?
Once for a janitorial duty in rehab.

Loved someone so much it made you cry?
Yes.

Broken a bone?
Fractured.

Played truth or dare?
Yes.

Been in a physical fight?
Can't remember.

Been in a police car?
A few.

Been on a plane?
Once.

Come close to dying?
No, but hallcuinated that I was dead once.

Been in a sauna?
Yes.

Been in a hot tub?
No.

Swam in the ocean?
No.

First thing that comes to mind:
Red:
Fabric.

Cow:
Pretty.

Greenland:
Natural.

Have you ever had:
Chicken pox?
No.

Sore throat?
Yes.

Cold?
Yes.

Stitches?
Yes.

Bloody nose?
Yes.

Surgery?
Yes.

Ay, the holidays!

Before I detail my holiday experiences, I would just like to say that this year has proven that I was right about Kwanzaa and Hanukkah. Next year, I will be purchasing the appropriate supplies so that I may celebrate. Damn Christmas! The only good thing about it is that it's Alannah Myles's birthday.

We went on to Clarksburg for Christmas Eve to visit my mother's and father's relatives. My maternal grandmother was interesting and very uplifting. She said she does not expect to be alive next Christmas. She then said that she can't visit us for the holidays because of how carsick she gets (including graphic description). She also started talking about how tragic it is that people say "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas." I bit my tongue. It almost bled. Right after that, she started to say something about a comment she heard "a man from the ACLU" make on television, but she got lost mid-sentence, so we never heard the quote or her point. Shortly thereafter, she dozed off. A moment later, my mother woke her to tell her we were leaving, to which she replied, "oh okay." I said not to get all emotional on us. Then it was time to visit my mother's sister. This was when we found out that her cell phone number, home phone number, and address have changed yet again. She led us to her new address when she got off from work. Consequently, she did not receive the presents we sent to her, her children, and grandchild, and the criminals who live at her old address likely stole them. I suggested I had a way to intimidate them, but the family was averse to slight legal abrasions. Next, it was time to visit the uncle I hate for a short while. I decided to entertain him with a metal version of "Deck the Halls." He found it interesting. We all went over to my aunt and (another) uncle's house together for dinner. It was cool to catch up with everyone, all of my aunts and my cousin. They also got the metallic carol. They made interesting faces. Year after year, my Catholic aunts and my hick mother continue to give Christmas presents to our Islamic cousins, who graciously accept. I've considered giving an apology card.

Christmas day was spent at home, save for some time at the Waffle House. I made the mistake of giving the parents a hot chocolate maker and an iced tea maker. The mother made some tea, then told me that I could put her tea in a pitcher and make myself a different type of tea, so I did. Following this, she asked whether I planned to use the iced tea maker regularly, and I said occasionally (walking right into that one). She spent five or ten straight minutes saying that I bought the iced tea maker for myself, only pretending to buy it for her, and that she should by her own separate one for her personal use. She then repeated this diatribe for the father. Yes, you read that correctly: a tantrum over tea! Not her first, and will not be her last.

Mi familia son los idiotas del pueblo.

Honest Emotion Survey

*Honest Emotion Survey*
1. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
Black.

2. Honestly, whats on your mind?
Is it really worth trusting men? Do I want to listen to Linda, Emmylou, Dolly, or Patsy?

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Awaiting that space between forensic science and left-wing political commentary/news where music fits.

4. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
Differs depending upon the day and the mood.

5. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
I have sung songs about killing men, but that's every day.

6. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
God, of course not. I'm not seven.

7. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
The mayor of Toronto. Linda Ronstadt. Emmylou Harris. Dolly Parton. Dennis Kucinich.

8. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
Listening to music, writing lyrics, painting, crocheting, watching Forensic Files and Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

9. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
No, mine are mental.

10. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Sure, but the question is, do they want to see me?

11. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
Yes.

12. Honestly, do you have a friend you don't actually like?
No.

13. Honestly, are you loyal?
Yes. Others aren't.

14. Honestly, are you in denial?
Perhaps.

15. Honestly, who would you wanna be with right now?
Musicians working on my first CD.

16. Honestly, do you like someone?
Yes, I love pets. There should be more of them.

DIFFERENT EMOTIONS SURVEY
*Anger Section*
1. What do you do when you're mad?
Commit misdemeanors, listen to angry music, write lyrics.

2. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
I'm certainly not stupid enough to incriminate myself.

3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
Unfortunately, no. It sucks, damn it. I should have tried harder. Maybe next time.

*CRYING SECTION*
1. Honestly when's the last time you really cried?
I can't remember for sure, but sometime this year.

2. Ever cried yourself to sleep?
Sure.

3. Do certain songs make you cry?
Yes.

4. What usually makes you cry?
Songs, the state of the world, and men.

*Happy Section*
1. Are you normally a happy person?
No, I am the voice of darkness.

2. What can make you happy?
Men I hate suffering.

3. Does being with your friends make you happy?
I suppose.

*Self-Esteem Section*
1. Do you believe in yourself?
Yes. Now if I could just get others to go along.

2. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny that you are?
I just smile and don't give them the reaction that I know they are seeking.

3. Are you one of those people that think they are ugly, dumb, or gross?
If I did, I wouldn't say it publicly.

The Roots of Wrath

Many people have asked me over time why I have so much hatred toward the human male, and I have been considering tackling this for a while now. As it is very involved and complex, I have been reluctant to commit the proper amount of time required to explore that, but I have decided that the opportunity is here and I should use it. Before I get too in-depth, I will start by combining a couple of things that I have said in the past. Men are primitive, psychopathic primates without the benefit of evolution who should be placed into internment camps because they deserve dismemberment and death as soon as they have been drained of what little usefulness they have. There are exceptions, of course. I see no safety issues with asexual men roaming freely, as long as they can demonstrate a complete absence of antisocial tendencies. I also believe that antisocial and idiotic women should be placed into said camps. Not only would this remove some danger from society, but it would increase the suffering of the men, once the obviousness of the situation eventually wore through the never-ending male stupidity.

Now for why I hate men. We'll start early. I was emotionally and physically abused by my parents, but was the most terrified of my father. I was harassed, assaulted, and marginalized by classmates throughout my childhood, mostly male. Whenever I've thought that I had friends, it turned out that they were playing me, either trying to get things or for their own sick amusement. This has easily happened dozens of times. Of course, let's not forget the interesting events with the local metal and punk scene, and the assholes from the Progressive Action Committee. Also, I have not been honest about my virginity. I used to have it, but it was involuntarily taken from me a couple of years ago. I don't remember the name or address. What I do remember is that I had made it clear to the motherfucker several times that I was not interested in sex. We were cuddling, and he initiated frot (the term for penis-penis sex). Unfortunately, I was so desperate for affection that, not only was he in his late 40s, but I did not hurt him or pursue action. In fact, as violated as I felt, I had not eliminated the possibility of returning. This happened again last year with a guy in his mid-50s. I also don't remember that name or address. Thankfully, I lost his phone number shortly thereafter. Last month, a guy in his early 30s masturbated on and against me without permission. Given my dysfunctional history, it is a small miracle that I have the ability to date. Furthermore, I have been banned from a bar called 51-11 for a while now. Why? This asshole bartender who works there had a tantrum, and started insulting me, my sexual orientation, and my gender identity, and said that I was making this one dude uncomfortable. The allegedly uncomfortable person had hugged me, so I doubt. Anyway, I was nice enough to not pop him, but to simple blast him on here. The owner, who mistakenly thinks he's somebody, has decided to play me. First, he said that he couldn't have me around for a while because people felt uncomfortable due to my post. I agreed to remove it, and I did. I was still banned. He has also said he would e-mail me on several occasions, and did not follow through. It's been about two months, and I am still not yet allowed back. I keep getting, "not yet, I don't know when." So I took it upon myself to find a new club to hang out in, and was successful. I found a club that is much cooler, much more street, and yet much more tolerant, so it looks like I won't be needing that hick place after all. Unfortunately, I have had an extremely negative week, but one that has been notably educational. A couple of days ago, this local rapper named Nez, who also calls himself Nesquic, decided to insult me on Myspace. He didn't like that I had complimented the attractiveness of his photos, so he left a message on my profile, which I deleted saying "I'm not a faggot, and I don't appreciate your fag comments. I told you that I don't mind faggots being into my music, but I'm not one." After this, he deleted and blocked me. I can't kill him and get away with it, so I'm settling for this, and perhaps a diss track. Then two different guys I was supposed to hang out with flaked. One was purposely not home, and the other purposely hung up on me when I called to arrange it. Then one of my alleged boyfriends decided to betray me, but was nice enough to do it to my face. He ignored me, and then took a lot of personal things that we had discussed, and posted and made fun of them in a chat room and encouraged others to do the same while we were both there. Then my alleged friend told me not to call him on his cell phone anymore because it was a business phone and his father was getting annoyed, but gave me another phone number to call him at. The problem there? When I tried it, I got someone who told me I had a wrong number. Now everyone knows why I hate men. I hold myself accountable for being too weak-willed and self-destructive, as I have come to realize that I was punishing myself since I felt that I deserved this. I probably would have been too defensive to readily admit this before, but now I figure who cares? It all ties together in the end.

I have written a short little song about my feelings toward men, which I would like for everybody to join in, and it goes like this:
The men should all be killed
The men should all be killed
Hi-ho the derry-o
The men should all be killed
Let's mutilate them all
Let's mutilate them all
Hi-ho the derry-o
Let's mutilate them all
Then we shall all be free
Then we shall all be free
Hi-ho the derry-o
Then we shall all be free

Ready for the Blood

I would like to begin by saying thank you to all of my haters and to everybody who has over time allegedly been my friend for five minutes. With that in mind, there are a few particular psychopaths whom I would like to delve into my hatred toward. I have bitten my tongue and softened my approach for far too long now, and I have come to the point where I simply feel that there is no reason to continue in this way. I am going to be perfectly honest about how much I hate certain people. Elijah, oh where to begin there? He has had far too much fun at my expense, and from what I can tell, continues to using ignorance, indifference, and distance as a weapon of kindergarten-level cuteness. I would like to rip out his dumbass dreads, but luckily for him, I have chosen to maintain enough self-control to resist this urge. Frank, I have been wanting to beat and strangle, but ditto. I have similar feelings toward Billy. I tried been nice and apologetic, and he seemed to be doing the same, but of course, he was only re-playing me, because a sociopath such as him cannot resist the temptation to treat a vulnerable human being like their own personal Candyland. I saw him in his car recently. He had cut his hair extremely short, obviously trying to imitate me. I wear it much better than he does. He looks like a mutant frat boy, as I suppose he basically is. The "Candyland" and "frat boy" parts are also true of Thomas Zimarowski. The bastard always said that he was my friend, and like Elijah, a practicing Buddhist (watch out for that, people). He said that he was willing to keep in touch over the summer, then blocked my screen name before I could add him. The other day, he purposely told me to leave him alone in front of some of his Progressive Action Committee cronies. To attempt (in vain, he will find) to outwit me, he blocked me from looking up his profile on Facebook. This is unfortunate because there was a picture with a caption along the lines of "Thomas's drunk ass," which is technically illegal, since dear sweet Thomas is not of drinking age. I was otherwise going to print out this photographic evidence to present to the Student Affairs office, since I am certain that the university would severely frown on this. I may inform them anyway and instruct them as to how to obtain this evidence for themselves. Billy and Thomas, I would like to slug and cut, but am hamstrung by the goddamn legalities that prevent this. It is quite a blessing that I have this space then in which to express my emotions. It makes a fairly nice second best.

I do have some positive news. I have completed my Linda Ronstadt collection by ordering CDs of The Pirates of Penzance and used CDs of the three original Stone Poneys albums. I also have several new Dolly Parton and Emmylou Harris CDs. This great music is so totally the shiznit. The only problem is that, obviously, there is never enough time to listen to all of it in one sitting, making it difficult to choose which part of the musical library to draw from. I mean, take Linda Ronstadt for example, producing music from January 1967-July 2006, and probably the most varied body of work imaginable. One would have to wait for a weekend to simply explore a single decade of her artistry. I have noticed something interesting about the Stone Poneys CDs. It was not a huge transition from that to her early solo recordings, which first came out in March 1969, except that she removed the harpsichord and sitar (it was the late 60s). All of the music mentioned in this paragraph is the type that the trash mentioned in the previous paragraph is undeserving of and incapable of appreciating, making it a bittersweet experience as it shows how anyone who has actual integrity will never belong to mainstream society, which openly embraces white trash psychopathy.

Questions

I have answered another group of questions, this time from a Yahoo! group which I am a member of. Make of this what you will.

1. What is your favorite color?
   Tie between black and blaze orange.
   
   
2. Do you prefer watching TV or listening to the radio?
   Television.
   
   
3. Dinner at a buffet or a sit down full service restaurant? Why?
   Buffet. More convenient and quicker.
   
   
4. If you have to pick a number from 1-10 what would it be and is there a special reason for the number?
   7, because I cannot pick 0, which is my favorite.
   
   
5. If you were part of a winning lotto group what is the first thing you would do with the money (the prize being substantial- 6 figures)?
   Buy a new car, which I would pimp out.
   
   
6. What is the earliest childhood memory that you have?
   Being slapped by my mother.
   
   
7. Do you smoke daily?
   No, not at all.
   
   
8. What kind of pets do you have or would like to have?
   I have three dogs, and would like a fourth.
   
   
9. How did you come about their names?
   The first one because I had a thing for Greek mythology and French culture in middle school, and the other two because I stuck with the names they had at the animal shelter.
   
   
10. Do you drive American or Foreign car/van/suv?
    Currently, American car. I have no real preference or bias either way, though.
    
    
11. If you could be anyone else in the world who would you like to be for a few days? Why?
    Linda Ronstadt, Emmylou Harris, Dolly Parton. I admire them so much.
    
    
12. Tulips or Roses?
    Neither, carnations.
    
    
13. Soda, Water, Coffee or Tea? If soda what is your favorite?
    Caffeine-free peppermint or spearmint tea.
    
    
14. Where would you like to go on vacation?
    Canada.
    
    
15. How do you spend your alone quiet time?
    Listening to music, watching television (usually forensic science or crime shows), researching subjects of personal interest, writing lyrics, updating my blog, plotting the downfall of my haters.
    
16. Do you think you can develop a "real" friendship on the net?
    If you cannot develop one in real life, why would you expect to on the internet?
    
    
17. How many real friends do you have? (Ones that you can count on anytime day or night)
    Well, I did mention the dogs.
    
    
18. Gum or Hard Candy?
    Neither. I prefer foods that are more natural.
    
    
19. Do you remember ever using a typewriter?
    I have used them quite a few times in my day.
    
    
20. How many personal telephone books do you use?
    Several.
    
    
21. Can you spell without using a spell check?
    Yes, but I sometimes obsess over it.
    
    
22. Black, Blue or Red Pen?
    Definitely black.
    
    
23. Sixth Grade what was your teacher's name?
    Breech.
    
    
24. Where do you live? (Just the state)
    West Virginia, but I don't expect that to last long after college.
    
    
25. How long are you on the internet each day?
    It differs.
    
    
26. What do you search for mostly on the internet?
    Things having to do with the arts or political or social issues.
    
    
27. Desktop or laptop?
    Desktop only because I have more experience there.
    
    
28. What is your birthday?
    May 11.

Updates

I have updated my profile, and finally included an e-mail address on the main page should anyone wish to contact me. If you look to the top right, you should see it in the text. The link should work. I am considering aiming my blog in a somewhat different direction in the future, although I am not exactly sure what that will be. First, I have a bit of unfortunate news. I was supposed to get a refund check from the university today. This did not happen because of a typo in the computers which overrode a previous correction. The problem was fixed, but while everybody else got to celebrate their overages today, I will have to wait one whole week until next Thursday. Anyone who has read my blog at all can draw conclusions about my feelings concerning incompetence and waiting. However, I am not going to dwell too much on this. I am also going to do something that I have not historically done on here, and may live to regret. I am going to show a bit of vulnerability. I will not lie. There are certain things that bother me, and certain things that I regret. I do wish sometimes that I had not said or done a few particular things. I am not always as hardcore as I come across. One of the reasons that I hate a few specific people so intensely is not only that I despise the actions that they have taken, but how badly I have been wounded in the process, and how much it compounds this aching to know that nobody cares or probably ever will, which is part of why I feel so damaged, and consequently so enraged. It is so easy for other people to say to let go of it, but for me, it influences my life, my relationships, and my decision-making. I also dread the idea of repeat performances, which I view as inevitable, so that is why I insist on protecting myself so aggressively. I also do not want people to see me as an easy target, and I have very much grown to feel that if someone shows even the slightest twinge of vulnerability, they are basically wearing a sign saying "fresh meat." For that reason, I am taking a huge risk by posting this. I know that there are probably going to be a couple of people who hate me who are going to read this and try to use it against me in some fashion. I cannot afford to care any longer. Besides, I have other ways of dealing with that. Just because I am being this honest does not mean that I am afraid of competition. At any rate, I shall close for now as I have no other real news to report.

Hemp Shoes

About a week ago, I needed to shop for shoes as the pair I had were literally falling apart. I went to several places and was unable to find anything that was hip-hop-oriented and devoid of suede and leather. Finally, after several hours of searching, I came across perfection. Something that merged the hip-hop and hippie worlds (two worlds sadly full of posers). Converse shoes made from hemp. Admittedly, they were on the Clearance rack, but they were so undeniably me. (Now, I just need to find shoes for inclement weather, exercise, and unclean environments.) This was around the time that I purchased the rare import of Emmylou's White Shoes CD, so it all fit together for me quite well. I realized that I did not need those PAC/GLC losers, and it was time to be honest about them. I also realized what all I am capable of. To this end, I found out where I can find weaponry rather cheaply, thanks to a couple of nice people who work at an adult toy store. Talk of weaponry reminds me of my slight run-in yesterday with Corporate - I mean, Corrupted - Youth. Either way, the name fits. Another suckass punk band who decided to betray me because they are phony and clique-ish like the rest of the punk and metal scene in this area, and the hideously mislabeled so-called progressives on-campus. Let them all have their precious witch hunt, and lie about me and tell exaggerated stories. I will win out in the end, either by violence or by truth. I have made a firm decision to join a fraternity or a gang, whichever I can find and successfully integrate myself into first. That way, we can as a group kick their asses, either figuratively or literally. I know that I cannot do it alone, so that is why there are groups, weapons, explosives, and dogs. I would like to clarify that, when I say explosives, I am not thinking in terms of actual terrorism. Rather, I am thinking more along the lines of things like firecrackers. Things to cause disturbances and fear. I cannot afford to actually kill. In other news, my mother has shared with me over the last couple of days, through tantrums, that she thinks I am "dumb and ugly," and another time, "retarded." This from the woman who personifies lacking the ability of thought, and looks like something descended from Swamp Thing. I am thinking of the future, when she is no longer working, and will not be missed if she is not heard from in a while.

PAC/GLC

Some people may remember my previous issues with certain people in the Progressive Action Committee. These same people are responsible for the Global-Local Convergence. It is an annual event where they give presentations on a variety of subjects. Of course, this is the baby of Frank Salzano, who always loves to create phony issues in order to give himself a soapbox to stand on. I attended one meeting in April. Then, they began excluding me by moving and cancelling meetings without telling me or announcing them over the list-serv like they are allegedly supposed to. Now, in August, this was sent out over the GLC list-serv.

"August 2, 2006

It was a sweltering night in late summer when we finally straggled upto Frank's German Street abode. Only five hard-core radicals foughtthe evening's weariness to continue our quest to conquer the mundaneand organize the Global to Local Convergence for the citizens ofShepherdstown. Here is the resolution of our discourse.

What about Ice??
The boot or sympathetic job title?
Unanimous for booting.
Frank to send the informative email. Good luck comrade."

Nice people.

Frank did send me an e-mail later on. This is what he said.

"Ice,
We are sorry to inform you that your participation for GLC this year is not welcome due to past and recent incidents. You will be removed from the list-serv. Sorry. Hope your semester goes well! -GLC Collective"

Fortunately, I am a member under a couple of other e-mail accounts.

Q & A - Relationship Survey

Another set of questions from Myspace, and my answers to them. I hope that everyone enjoys. Since I have had no romantic relationships to speak of, I answered based on my platonic experiences. I feel that this provides some of the roots for my "Essay on the Human Male."

-Longest relationship?:
N/A.

-Shortest relationship?:
N/A.

-How many people have you broken up with?:
You can only keep track of so much abandonment, then it all starts to run together.

-How many times have you truly been in love?:
None, and I no longer believe it exists.

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?:
N/A.

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?:
No.

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?:
Yes, all types of affection are excruciating.

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?:
God, I hope so. That is why vandalism exists.

-Have you ever cried over a boyfriend or girlfriend?:
Yes, which is why I answered the last question the way I did.

-Are you happy being single or in relationships?:
I accept the fact that I will always be solitary, except for the companionship of animals.

-What is the important part of being in a relationship?:
I would say integrity, loyalty, sensitivity, and understanding, but these are illusions. I am just as likely to receive a unicorn.

-What is the worst part of being in a relationship?:
The reality of the actual relationship itself.

-Worst relationship?:
I have never been in a romantic relationship, but speaking from a purely platonic standpoint, all of them.

-Have you ever had your heart broken?:
Incessantly.

-Have you ever broken someones heart?:
Unfortunately, I have never been hurt by anyone with a heart, so I do not believe that I have ever had the satisfaction, not that I haven't tried.

-Do you talk to any of your exes?:
At times. I usually have a few choice phrases. Other times, I like to figure out what misdemeanors I could commit without getting caught.

-If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you?:
I don't know. I guess if I could set up the circumstances so that I could use them like they have me.

-Do you think any of your exes feel the same way?:
I really don't care how they feel.

-What is your ideal boyfriend or girlfriend?:
I used to have several ideal types. Now I just feel that, while a man may look good, they are all the same. They should be placed into internment camps because they deserve dismemberment and death after they have been drained of what little usefulness they have.

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?:
I don't know. I only know that I'm better than the scumbags who have used, abused, and abandoned me, but I lack their popularity.

-Have you dated people who were not good to you?:
I've never dated, and I doubt that I ever will.

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?:
I don't see evidence of another type.

-Name your most memorable ex you have had?:
I have someone in mind, but I'm not saying it publicly. This isn't "Truth or Dare."

-Have you dated someone older then you?:
N/A.

-Younger?:
If I ever do date, I surely will hit the 18-24 crowd.

-What is one thing that all of your exes had in common?:
They suck.

-Have you ever cried yourself to sleep over a boyfriend or girlfriend?:
No comment.

-When is the last time that you were in a relationship?:
Romantic, never. Platonic, I still have one left.

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?:
Begrudgingly, but I reserve the right to carry and discharge weapons.

-Believe in love at first sight?:
God, no. Of course not. Why on earth would I?

-Ever dated two people at once?:
I should be so fortunate.

-Ever been given a promise ring?:
No.

-Ever been given an Engagement ring?:
No.

-Ever wanna get married?:
No.

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?:
Quite a few things, but I've decided against strangulation.

-Ever liked someone elses boyfriend or girlfriend?:
Of course. Who hasn't?

-Do you believe in true love?:
No.

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?:
Just as bad as Linda Ronstadt describes in her music, and we all know she's continuing the tradition of Billie Holliday in that regard. There are some things I feel I'll always carry.

Zozo Plus

Let us dispense with the scholarly news, which is positive. In fact, there is only positive news today. The Financial Aid office has figured out that, with the combination of their loans and the federal aid, I will not have to pay anything for tuition or books. This has freed me up financially, so I purchased a copy of the new Linda Ronstadt / Ann Savoy duet album, Adieu False Heart. They are calling themselves the Zozo (Creole for "little bird") Sisters. It turns out that, rather than making a straight Cajun album, it is a mixture of Cajun, bluegrass, and folk. Way gnarly. I also ran across a rare import of Emmylou Harris's White Shoes CD, and for the same price as a domestic CD. Of course I had to purchase that. As with Linda, since it was Emmylou, it was obviously totally rad to the max. I also specially ordered some Dolly Parton. When that arrives, and I can mix it up, that will be the shiznit.

Scholastic Update

The university website has corrected itself, and is no longer asking for a nonexistent alternate PIN. Because of this newfound freedom, I signed up for classes for the upcoming semester. I will also mention their course sections. Social Psychology (Psychology), General Sociology (Sociology), Population and Urban Problems (Sociology), Sex and Gender in Contemporary Society (Social Work), Art of Creative Writing (First-Year Experience), Elementary Spanish I (Spanish), Counseling Techniques (Psychology). My father cannot tell the difference between psychology, social work, and sociology. He keeps saying, "you're taking too many soc' courses." To steal a quote from Legally Blonde, "I recommend knowing before speaking." The mother is doing her daily reprisal of Mommie Dearest. The diet is going well. The other night, I made scrambled tofu from scratch. Yesterday, the juicer came into play. I had apple-mango-papaya-peach juice.

Dysfunction & Incompetence

I have such exciting news. The other day, my mother and I took the dogs to the vet. All three of them. The two puppies were not the most cooperative when it came to being willing to move. They weigh 55 and 67 lbs respectively. My mother hurt her back trying to lift one and nudge the other. It was fun. Great fun. Once we got home, I informed her that a book entitled The Ultimate Encyclopedia of Dogs, Dog Breeds, and Dog Care said that the oldest dog needed to lose a few pounds. She said that a chart she saw on the office placed his weight within normal range. I asked her whether the chart listed breeds. She said no. I asked her what the weight ranges were compared to. She screamed, "it was comapared to the damn weight range." Since I had no booster seat or chocolate milk to offer her, I simply gave her a moment. Then I calmly said, "All I was asking, Mother, is what the weight ranges were paired with." She got huffy and said, "I don't know, but all the information was there." Interesting use of nonlucidity. Yesterday, my father told me that she had told him that her future lies in being a professional piano player, and she wants to get back into government work. And I am the one who is medicated?

In the world of dieting, I have done well. After a suckass first week, where I gained half a pound, I claimed a huge victory in my second. My mother did not cheat at all, and worked out. She lost 2 1/2 lbs. I cheated like hell, and did not work out, and I lost 3 1/2 lbs. The only thing I can figure is that I used up my points early in the week, and had to be extremely careful later on, and this created a balance. This is my first week for working out. My most recent dinner consisted of a mixture I created: vegetarian chili, peas, green beans, and flax oil. Either it is actually good, or I have adapted.

In other news, I have drafted my will. People I dislike inherit zilch. It has occured to me that there is no better time than the hereafter to be sarcastic and vindictive because I will get the last word and nobody could truly get me back since I will be dead. My therapist thinks that I come across as having a pessimistic view of the human race, and could someday become bitter.

There is one bright spot, though it is tempered. On 7/25, the new Linda Ronstadt CD was released. It was a duet CD with Ann Savoy. Linda's last CD was a jazz album, but this one is Cajun. I like her unpredictability. If she releases a bluegrass CD, I shall not want for more. Well, except for my own career. I cannot purchase this album for a few more weeks because the government is stupid. You see, the semester begins on 8/21. The school expects payment on 8/14. The United States Department of Education (the Federal Aid people) sent me a letter a couple of weeks ago saying that there were two problems with processing my application: my name did not match my social security number and that Selective Service reported that I had not filed with them. I shall tackle these one at a time. The social security number did not match because they had placed a wrong number in one of the spaces. The Selective Service issues is two-pronged: a) they had two other opportunities to say this and neglected to; b) I filed with Selective Service six years ago. At any rate, I corrected the appropriate questions and resubmitted. Now, they are saying that I am still not registered with Selective Service, and I need to either resubmit my form or call Selective Service. However, they close that section with this sentence: "We have forwarded your name to Selective Service for registration, as you requested." On 7/22, I was supposed to be able to register for classes without an alternate PIN. When I went to do so, I was prompted for my alternate PIN. There is another problem here. Where do I get my alternate PIN? From my advisor. Where is my advisor? Spending his summer on vacation in Africa. I would like to move to a socialist country where I would not have these issues, but I have no idea where to obtain a passport.

Essay Concerning the Human Male

I was reading a short online article about why men get into relationship with demanding and/or abusive women. The article did not state this, but I will: sex. It is the reason for most things that the human male does. The reason for the rest of their actions is their basic psychopathic primate nature. One might ask, what separates male humans from the other primates, aside from psychopathy? The simple answer is that the other primates are capable of higher functioning. The human male remains within their own primitive culture, engaging in such archaic rituals as the celebration of fire or urination in snow. This is to not be confused with their delusional, narcissistic, hypersexual mating dance. If one were to encourage a human male to reveal an actual emotion, and not merely to manufacture emotion like the sociopaths that they are, it would seem as though the male had misplaced his car keys. It is a quite similar conundrum with integrity or loyalty. In conclusion, he may make an attractive animal, but has little utility exceeding that.

Q & A

I have decided to share with the public my answers to two different sets of questions. Some of these are more personal than others, some more serious than others. I think they provide an interesting portrait of a side of my personality that perhaps does not show on here under most circumstances.

In one of the homework assignments for my Interpersonal Relationships class this past semester, I had some questions to answer. Since I really liked the questions and my answers to them, I have to decided to share them with my loyal readers.

1. When you were young, did you get messages to "hurry up" or to "stay little"? Did you feel pushed to grow up fast, or were you held back? What were some of the beliefs that you developed about change during childhood? Are there beliefs that you would like to replace?
   When I was young, I got messages to "hurry up" in life. In certain ways, I felt that I was simultaneously pushed to grow up fast and held back, but overall, I was mainly shown coldness. During my childhood, I learned that change was a way to escape negative things, but during my adolescence, I realized that some things never change regardless of circumstances. I do not think that I would like to replace this belief because I feel that it would serve me to hold onto this wisdom.
   
   

2. Did you live in the same house growing while growing up, or did your family move a lot? Did your parents divorce? If they did, what was it like when they remarried? When changes occurred in the family, how were they handled?
   When I was growing up, my family moved a lot. My parents did not divorce. Changes in the family were handled through an increase in dysfunction.
   

3. How do you take care of your health? Almost everyone knows what they should do, but how often do you make the right choices about taking care of yourself? What do you need to do more in order to have a healthier lifestyle? What gets in your way?
   I take care of my health by avoiding animal products, alcohol, and caffeine. I feel that I make some of the right choices about taking care of myself, but I could work out more and be less self-destructive. I need to invest the time to work out several times per week. What gets in my way is that I allow myself to become distracted by other responsibilities and concerns.

1. What are your opinions and reactions?
   My opinion is that I do not deal well with changes.
   

2. What did you learn or rediscover?
   I have rediscovered that I need to learn how to handle endings more constructively.
   

3. How are you going to apply what you learned?
   I am unsure how I am going to apply what I have learned.

1. What transitions have you experienced in life? How did you handle the ending, neutral zone, and new beginning of the transition? What do the transitions of adulthood mean to you? How was the information in the chapter about going through transitions useful to you?
   I have made the transition from believing it when someone says they love or care about me to not believing anything that anyone says. I handle the ending self-destructively, I avoid the neutral zone in any way possible, and I find an unhealthy new beginning as a form of vengeance against the ending. The transitions of adulthood mean abandonment and destruction to me. The information in the chapter about going through transitions was useful to me in that it helps me to see that there are ways of dealing with changes that are not dysfunctional.
   
2. What do you think you will be doing in five years? In ten years? What would you need to be doing in the next year if you were to be working toward those goals?
   In five years, I will probably be writing songs about extreme rage, hatred, despondency, and anxiety. In ten years, I will probably be continuing the theme of dysphoria. In the next year, I will need to be cynical, nihilistic, and fatalistic, which I already am.
   
3. What do you think happens when you die? How does that influence how you live? What kind of funeral do you want to have, and how do you want to be remembered? What did you learn in this chapter about how to help people who have experienced the loss of someone close?
   I do not believe that anything happens when one dies other than the cessation of life. It influences how I live in that I often look at the consequence of death and say, "I'll be dead, I won't care." I do not see the point in having a funeral, as nobody will attend since nobody will care, and I do not expect to be remembered unless anyone would want to make jokes and/or celebrate. From this chapter, I learned about helping those dealing with the loss of a loved one by being supportive and sharing emotions, although I am not personally sure that I should ever share my emotions again in life.

This next list of questions comes from my reply to someone's post on Myspace. As a reply, I copied and pasted their post, and replaced their answers with my own. Now I am sharing my wisdom with those who venture here.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
   No, I've never gotten caught.
   
2. Do you close your eyes on roller coaster?
   Never been on one.
   
3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
   Never.
   
4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
   Alone.
   
5. Do you believe in ghosts?
   No.
   
6. Do you consider yourself creative?
   Thankfully, yes.
   
7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
   Of course. He's an obvious psychopath, like all men.
   
8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
   Neither.
   
9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
   Definitely, very much so.
   
10. Do you know how to play poker?
    No.
    
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
    I'm sure I have, but I can't remember it.
    
12. What's your favorite commercial?
    I hate commercials.
    
13. Who was your first love?
    N/A.
    
14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
    No. I always suspect that the five-oh is hiding somewhere, waiting to catch someone doing something like that.
    
15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
    No comment.
    
16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
    Who cares?
    
17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
    No.
    
18. How often do you remember your dreams?
    Sometimes. Some for years.
    
19. What's the one thing on your mind?
    There is almost never just one thing on my mind. I'm usually thinking on several tracks at once and firing on all cylinders.
    
20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
    Yes, and if anyone else is with me, I insist that they do as well.
    
21. What talent do you wish you had?
    I would love to be able to play the dulcimer and the banjo.
    
22. Do you like Sushi?
    No.
    
23. What do you wear to bed?
    Usually what I wore that day.
    
24. Do you truly hate anyone?
    One quick look at any of my lyrics could answer that question.
    
25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
    Nobody.
    
26. Do you know anyone in jail?
    I have gone to school with people who have ended up in jail. I know people who belong in jail but aren't.
    
27. What food do you find disgusting?
    Anything that comes from an animal.
    
28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
    No. I think this is evil. That is why men do it.
    
29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
    Yes. Unfortunately, this was before I had weapons.
    
30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
    Hell no.

Endless Brainlessness

I am quite pleased that I get to announce that my mother has not lost her touch. She is just as mindless as ever. Also, my father continues to be her good little soldier. This evening, she decided to tell me basically out of nowhere that I make issues out of nothing, and that I lay around doing nothing. Wait, it gets better, and even more fictional. I suppose because I have decided that I am going to join her stupid Weight Watchers group next week, she has said that I always want to do what she is doing. Dream on! Why the hell would I want to be a brainless, chain-smoking lush with the intelligence of a pencil sharpener and the personality of a squeaky toy? However, she started listing examples of things which never took place where I allegedly tried to mimic her interest in various activities, and saying that I need to get a life of my own. Oh, to be so delusional. So, so delusional. It is almost cute. Almost. I have set a goal, though. I will outdo her on her goddamn program. I will lose more weight and end up in better shape. I will exercise when I do not have to, more than I have to, and eat healthier than I have to. I will do whatever it takes to majorly surpass her. That way, at those meetings, and even around the house, she will have to face that. Oh yes, I will crush her. She has no idea what she is up against. Of course, she will really become verbally abusive at that point. I know that she will say that that is the only thing that I do just so that she can downplay it. It will be the same thing when the next semester starts. Then she will bring back the comments about my "alleged intelligence." She, like the rest of the people around me, has no idea how intelligent I really am. In a sense, I like that because it enables me to outsmart people without them realizing that they are being outsmarted.

Important News

You may have noticed that a lot of negative and personal things are missing about a lot of people. There is a reason for that. I have decided not to go there anymore at this point in time. It was a good run, and a lot of fun was had, but the time for that has passed. I am not going to embarrass those people on this site any further. However, as you probably noticed, I made an exception for the parents. I will include a couple of maternal tales. I have another story beyond that as well. You may recall my previously mentioning the West Virginia Division of Rehabilitaion Services (WVDRS). My case worker there is named Christie. The other day, my mother said, almost whispering, "Christine from DRS called. She wants you to call her back." I asked her to repeat herself, and she screamed the previous statement. After that, she launched into a tirade about how she wants me out of the house. Another bit of amusement from later in the evening. We were watching television, a channel I had selected before she even entered the room. It went to commercial. We had been watching a show about a woman who went to trial for hiring men to murder her husband. I pressed the info button so that I could see what was coming on another channel after that show went off. She exclaimed, "I was watching that!" I said, "it's a commercial." She said, "I don't care." I said about the guy in the commercial, "I'm sure he's about to testify at her trial." She spent the remainder of the evening saying that she was tired of taking all of my abuse. I guess all of that cheap beer is eating through her nonexistent brain stem. In other news, I had my five-year high school reunion two days ago. About a dozen people showed up to the picnic in the park. Yes, that was the theme and the reunion. It didn't end there. Most of us decided to go bar-hopping about 20 minutes south of there. We had set a time and place to meet later that night. We did, and it was interesting. I found a place that was pretty good and a place that was pretty bad. The bad place was bad becuase of the drinks. My orange juice was so watered down that it was unrecognizable. One of my former classmates said the same of his drink. I began to notice a fascinating pattern as the festivities wore on. As some people's redneck tendencies increased, my non-redneck tendencies increased exponentially. There was one fortunate side effect to this: they began to swear that I was some kind of super-genius. Who was I to disagree? Unfortunately, there was one downer to the whole event. There was one person I spent a large part of the evening locked in conversation with. At the end of the night, he gave me his number. I tried to call it yesterday. I got someone who said they were not at a reunion, and I must have a wrong number. Yes, Phillip Nowak, I am referencing you. I am not upset because I think of it this way. When the ten-year reunion rolls around, I will be successful in the worlds of extremo, metalcore, rapcore, melodic death metal, Celtic, bluegrass, and soul blues, as the diva I was always meant to be, and you will be a recovering alcoholic. I will have had some success, and will be able to buy a round of drinks for everybody -- well, almost everybody. I do have a couple other pieces of news. I found a website specific to German Shepherds, and found out something. Although they are close to adult height at 10-18 months, they are not fully grown until the age of three years. This means that I get to watch my two beautiful puppies enjoy another year and a half of puppyhood. Also, the senior canine of the household, and the lone cocker spaniel, turned twelve a couple of weeks ago. Old age does not seem to have affected him very much. We still have staring contests, which I still always win.

Update on the Demented

The parents are becoming a sad case. The father halfway got his wish. He saw a large number of gnats around the kitchen sink, so he grabbed a towel, soaked it with water, and grabbed them with it. Then he did something even more interesting. He took this gnat-infested towel, threw it into the washing machine, and ran it through the normal process that one would a load of clothing. Then he asked me to take it out and dry it. I drew a line in the sand at this point. I said, "you've got to be kidding. That's nasty!" I asked him whether he has ever considered therapy. He said that since he has maintained employment and he is as old as he is, he does not think that there would be much of a point. I suggested that he reconsider. The mother is interesting as well. She decided to join in on the gnat killing fun by placing an empty coffee mug in the microwave to trap them. Then she heated the empty mug. Then my father told her she did not heat the mug long enough and restarted the microwave. A few minutes into this, he realized that it was empty. The house smelled of burnt rubber for awhile. The mother is happy now that the pool is open for the summer. I do not like some of the side effects of her joining her stupid Weight Watchers program. For example, several times a week, she'll say "you sit around doing nothing but getting bigger, get off your ass." She is wrong on both counts, but you can never tell her that she is wrong about anything. Even if you could prove it, she would just have a tantrum over it. She is rather amusing in a sense, once you rise above her sheer stupidity.

What do the parents have in common? They both seem to think that I am stupid, untalented, and useless. They both have tantrums. They are both prone to backwoods logic, if you may dare to label it as such. They both habitually use me as a punching bag to escape dealing with themselves and each other, while denying that this ever occurs.

Dearly Demented Parents

I have more incredibly amusing stories to tell involving the idiots known as parents. I recently witnessed my mother commit an interesting act. She opened up the cupboard containing the plates, bowls, and saucers. She picked up a can of bug spray. She sprayed it into the cupboard. She closed the cupboard. She sat down the can. I found this questionable. I find her questionable overall. She is a husky woman who is about two months shy of 45, and looks like a stereotypically feminine Jabba the Hut. She wears things like a Care Bears top with short shorts, or floral prints and pastels. She is middle-aged, dresses like a 12-year-old, and acts like a 5-year-old. I feel that she is psychotic, histrionic, or both. My father has made some equally questionable decisions. He has this obsession with killing gnats lately. First, with putting fruit in the microwave to draw them. Now, a nasty old rag. Unfortunately, some of us wish for the microwave to be in commission.

Interesting Updates

After over a month of being away from the medication, I am starting back today to taking it with the antipsychotic doubled. Since antipsychotics double as tranquilizers, I expect to sleep extremely well. I will now be taking 100 mg of Topamax in the morning, and another 100 mg of Topamax, 200 mg of Seroquel, and one tablespoon of Valproic Acid near bedtime. As a result, I cannot consume alcohol, allow myself to become pregnant, or breast-feed.

As I occasionally do, I would like to give props to a couple of deserving things. There are two great 2-CD sets that have been released this year and last year, respectively. The first is from Linda Ronstadt. The Best of Linda Ronstadt: The Capitol Years contains four entire albums and five bonus tracks. Included are her first album, Hand Sown... Home Grown (1969); her second album, Silk Purse (1970); her third album, Linda Ronstadt (1972), and her fifth album, Heart Like A Wheel (1974). (Her fourth album, Don't Cry Now [1973], was her first Asylum release.) The other noteworthy release is from Dolly Parton. The Essential Dolly Parton has 37 tracks spanning her career from 1967-2001.

One final bit of news: my mother has let me know that I read too much. She feels that my life span will be shortened. My father agrees.